When getting a divorce, many of us do not consider that sometimes leaving our marriage can wake us up to what we have needed to do all along. Divorce helps us to take stock of our life, and pushes us to tend to the issues that we have been denying or avoiding because we are either afraid or uninterested in dealing with a particular arena of life (parenting, finances, fitness, career) that we feel less competent in, but that really does need some of our attention.

In as much as divorce is a time of completions, it is also a time of new beginnings, which include creating a new financial picture. Before you begin to allow fear rather than reason to take over, and you begin “staging” yourself to become the “opponent” rather than ally in protecting the matrimonial assets from your ex, you should find a chartered accountant whom you and your future ex can trust. 

BEFORE you even file for separation or divorce, you and your spouse should get a clear picture of your financial “house.” Become versed in what the true value is of the matrimonial property you shared by getting realistic appraisals on all the matrimonial property you jointly own, including businesses, trailers, cars, boats, art, and any other assets; oh, and don’t forget the pension plans! 
In many marriages, one of the partners is more financially educated and confident, which may cause feelings of fear and suspicion to foster in the less confident party. If this is the case in your situation, take the time to allow the spouse who is in need of some additional financial guidance to get it BEFORE the discussion of division occurs. 

If your accountant is not well versed in the potential tax implications of the division of your assets, consult with a professionally trained tax accountant who is confident in advising you.

After you have worked with professionals to determine what your real asset and liability values are, find a qualified divorce coach or mediator to facilitate your next step: how you can best make the decisions of dividing your assets fairly, with the minimal tax implications, and most creativity, to ensure your money stays in your bank accounts and not the lawyer’s. 

The next step to take on your divorce journey is to determine if you and your ex need independent legal counsel; this varies from province to province and state to state. If independent counsel is required, make sure you find two collaborative lawyers who have a history of working well together, and who are happy to advise you, rather than litigate your file. 

To learn more about how to care for the kids’ needs in divorce, and to be educated in the needed attitudes and negotiating tools to create “the new divorce paradigm™,” please pick up a copy of my book The New Divorce Paradigm™.
 

The term “parental alienation syndrome” (PAS) was first coined in 1985 by Dr. Richard Gardner, a child and forensic psychiatrist, to explain a destructive family dynamic that he observed in high-conflict divorces. He defined PAS as “a disorder that arises primarily in the context of child-custody disputes. Its primary manifestation is the child’s campaign of denigration against a parent, a campaign that has no justification. It results from the combination of a programming (brainwashing) parent’s indoctrinations and the child’s own contributions to the vilification of the target parent” (cited in Major, n.d.).

 In PAS, one parent, either the father or the mother, or sometimes the new partner of an ex-spouse, attempts to alienate the child, or children, from the other parent. The process is manipulative and is a form of psychological child abuse. The goal of the alienating custodial parent is to restrict or eliminate access to the child by the other parent.

  It is important to recognize that not all instances of a child’s rejection of a parent following divorce are due to parental alienation syndrome. A child may very well reject a parent, even before a marriage breakup, based on that parent’s actual behavior. As Dr. Gardner wrote, “Unfortunately, the term parental alienation syndrome is often used to refer to the animosity that a child may harbor against a parent who has actually abused the child, especially over an extended period. The term has been used to apply to the major categories of parental abuse, namely, physical, sexual, and emotional. Such application indicates a misunderstanding of the parental alienation syndrome. The term is applicable only when the parent has not exhibited anything close to the degree of alienating behavior that might warrant the campaign of denigration exhibited by the child” (cited in Wikipedia, n.d.).

 Although PAS is not yet officially recognized as a syndrome by the American Psychological Association, it is now acknowledged in the courts of law. However, there are certain criteria that must be met in order to distinguish between PAS and the common loyalty conflicts that occur in children of conflictual divorcing parents. PAS cannot be considered an operative process if a parent is seen to be attempting to alienate the child from the other parent, but the child is not successfully alienated.